Bootscraps: January 2010

31 January 2010

30 January 2010

Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal! Under the arm to be protected, & next to the heart to be loved.

28 January 2010

Signs You Drink too Much Coffee

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail.

Which Way Is The Bus Heading?

Which way is the bus below traveling?

To the left or to the right?

Can't make up your mind?

Look carefully at the picture again.

Still don't know?

Well... ... ...

Preschoolers all over the United States were shown this picture and asked the same question.
89.729875610008 % of the preschoolers gave this answer.

"The bus is traveling to the left".
When asked, "Why do you say the bus is traveling to the left"?

They answered: "Because you can't see the door to get on the BUS".

How do you feel now???

22 January 2010

Summer 2008

21 January 2010

My Girls

20 January 2010

The Next Season Of Survivor

THE
NEXT SURVIVOR
SERIES

Six married men
will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports
and take either music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;

keep his assigned house clean,

correct all homework,

complete science projects,
cook,

do laundry,

and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.

In
addition, each man

will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.

Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.

Each man must also take each child

to a doctor's appointment,

a dentist appointment

and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.

Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,

planting flowers outside, and keeping it

presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television
when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs,

wear makeup daily,

adorn
themselves with jewelry,

wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,

keep fingernails polished,

and eyebrows groomed

During one of the six weeks,

the men will have to endure severe

abdominal cramps, back aches, head aches,
have extreme, unexplained mood swings

but never once complain or slow down
from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings and
church,

and find time at least once to spend

the afternoon at the park or a similar
setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,

feed them,

dress them,

brush their teeth and

comb their hair

by 7:00 am.

A test
will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be
required to know all of the following information:
each child's
birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size,
doctor's name,
the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear,

and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...
he still
has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's
notice.

If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years,
eventually earning the right
to be called Mother!