Today's Funny

Best Friends

A friend will stick up for you and calm you down when your mad, but a best friend will skip alongside you with a shovel giggling "Someones gonna get it! "

A Thought For The Day

Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal! Under the arm to be protected, & next to the heart to be loved.

Signs You Drink too Much Coffee

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee - You answer the door before people knock. - Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. - You ski uphill. - You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. - You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. - You lick your coffeepot clean. - You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. - Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. - You chew on other people's fingernails. - Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." - You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet. - You can jump-start your car without cables. - Cocaine is a downer. - You don't need a hammer to pound nails. - Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." - You don't sweat, you percolate. - You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel. - You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. - You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. - You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. - You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them. - Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. - You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. - People get dizzy just watching you. - You've worn the finish off your coffee table. - The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you. - Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. - Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. - Instant coffee takes too long. - When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." - You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. - Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. - You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. - You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. - You can thread a sewing machine while it's running. - You can outlast the Energizer bunny. - You short out motion detectors. - You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. - Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. - You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. - You don't tan, you roast. - You can't even remember your second cup. - You help your dog chase its tail.

Which Way Is The Bus Heading?

Which way is the bus below traveling?

To the left or to the right?

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Can't make up your mind?

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Look carefully at the picture again.

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Still don't know?

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Well... ... ...

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Preschoolers all over the United States were shown this picture and asked the same question.
89.729875610008 % of the preschoolers gave this answer.

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"The bus is traveling to the left".
When asked, "Why do you say the bus is traveling to the left"?

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They answered: "Because you can't see the door to get on the BUS".

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How do you feel now???

The Next Season Of Survivor

THE
NEXT SURVIVOR
SERIES

Six married men
will be dropped on an island with one car and
3 kids each for six weeks.


Each kid will play two sports
and take either music or dance classes.


There is no fast food.

Each man must
take care of his 3 kids;

keep his assigned house clean,

correct all homework,

complete science projects,
cook,

do laundry,

and pay a list of 'pretend' bills
with not enough money.


In
addition, each man

will have to budget in money
for groceries each week.


Each man
must remember the birthdays
of all their friends and relatives,
and send cards out on time--no emailing.


Each man must also take each child

to a doctor's appointment,

a dentist appointment

and a haircut appointment.


He must make one unscheduled and
inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care.


He must also make cookies or cupcakes
for a social function.


Each man will be responsible for
decorating his own assigned house,

planting flowers outside, and keeping it

presentable at all times.


The men will only have access to television
when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.


The men must shave their legs,

wear makeup daily,

adorn
themselves with jewelry,

wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,

keep fingernails polished,

and eyebrows groomed


During one of the six weeks,

the men will have to endure severe

abdominal cramps, back aches, head aches,
have extreme, unexplained mood swings

but never once complain or slow down
from other duties.


They must attend weekly school meetings and
church,

and find time at least once to spend

the afternoon at the park or a similar
setting.


They will need to read a book to the kids
each night and in the morning,

feed them,

dress them,

brush their teeth and

comb their hair

by 7:00 am.


A test
will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be
required to know all of the following information:
each child's
birthday,
height, weight,
shoe size, clothes size,
doctor's name,
the child's weight at birth,
length, time of birth,
and length of labor,
each child's favorite color,
middle name,
favorite snack,
favorite song,
favorite drink,
favorite toy,
biggest fear,

and what they want to be when they grow up.


The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...
he still
has enough energy
to be intimate with his spouse
at a moment's
notice.


If the last man does win,
he can play the game over and over and over
again for the next 18-25 years,
eventually earning the right
to be called Mother!

A Winter Poem

A Winter Poem

I found this beautiful winter poem and
thought it might be a comfort to you. It was to me, and it's very well written. I felt
it really captured my own feelings about winter.
'WINTER'


A poem by Abigail
Elizabeth McIntyre

Shit, It's cold!

The End

Igloo Contractors

Elfed!

You' ve been Elfed !!!





Life is all about asses.
You're either covering it,
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or behaving like one.

Jesus is Watching You

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.






'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.


Jesus

Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

The Cost of a Motel

>
> My wife and I are travelling by car from Detroit to Atlanta.
>
> After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue,
> and decide to take a room.
>
> But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
>
> When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill
> for $350.00.
>
> I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the
> clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00
>
> Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted
> on speaking to the Manager.
>
> The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel
> has an
> Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for
> us to use. 'But we didn't use them. 'Well, they are here, and you could
> have,' explains the Manager.
>
> He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for
> which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York,
> Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
>
> 'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and
> you could have,' the Manager replies.
>
> No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't
> use it!'
>
> The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
>
> I write a check and give it to the Manager.
>
> The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. 'But sir,' 'this
> check is only made out for $50.00. ''That's correct, as I charged you
> $300.00
> for sleeping with my wife.'
>
> 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
>
> 'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.

Are you smarter than a 1st grader?

are you smarter then a first grader? 1stgrade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close.. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty. 7. No news is impossible 8. A miss is as good as a Mr.. 9. You can't teach an old dog new Math 10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning. 11. Love all, trust Me.. 12. The pen is mightier than the pigs. 13. An idle mind is the best way to relax. 14. Where there's smoke there's pollution. 15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents. 16. A penny saved is not much. 17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers. 18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed. 19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and You have to blow your nose. 20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder. 21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded. 22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries. 23. You get out of something only what you See in the picture on the box 24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way. 25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you. And the WINNER and last one! 26. Better late than Pregnant

A Great Joke

YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL.....YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE, AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MUSTANG! ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ASS,

GRAY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

SON OF A BITCH ASKED....

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

Funniest Email Ever!

Mom's Always Know!

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the can opener. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.' So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mom: I'm not saying that you 'did' take the can opener from the house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the can opener. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner . Love, Brian Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the can opener by NOW! Love, Mom Lesson of the Day...Never Lie to Your Mother.

What Is Mid Life?

I can almost feel myself losing weight....

by forwarding this to you!
You'll understand at the end.

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puh leeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.

This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans.

We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.



Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror

and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram

and you realize that this is the only time

someone will ask you to appear topless.







Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm

young lovely in a tube top and scream,

"Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."






Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves

and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all,

beeper-wearing teenager and think:

"For this I have stretch marks?"



In mid-life your memory starts to go.

In fact the only thing we can retain is water.



Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally
-- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .



Mid-life means that you become more reflective...

You start pondering the "big" questions.

What is life?

Why am I here?

How much Healthy choice ice cream

can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?



But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double,

but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.

Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now,

for the body you had way back when?

Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold

all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!